Fear is Okay

I am too afraid to start something
I am afraid to fail
I need approval
Being honest
Becoming…her
What do I like about her?

I feel low. Lower than low
I didn’t know words could be so heavy
Struggling to remain standing
What lifts you up and makes you happy?
I feel like I’m just standing here and life is happening
I think it’s been 5 minutes
It’s been two hours
I don’t have enough time to do anything

Open, honest, judges
An excuse to be blunt
Alone

The only reason I won’t do it,
Make the initial cut is because I know it will hurt too much
I don’t want this to be fucked up any more
My head is twisted, my mind is outside, lost
I’m looking in and there is nothing I trust
My identity is gone
My purpose…who am I?
My strength is limited right now
My ambition?
My goals and dreams fuzzy

Things need to change
I am too afraid to start something
I am afraid to fail
I do need approval, only my own
My identity can be discovered
My strength will build itself up… and me
Goals will come in focus
Meanings will change
Failure will happen
It will be okay
And I will become her

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Days and Nights

This is it
The beginning of the end
Then the start of something new
No one knows what is in store
She is scared
The unknown is a monster, at the very least
Can she keep it together
The days and nights are taken one at a time
No more planning ahead
Just a deep breath
Just a sense of happiness
A Push in a new direction
Her boys are her everything
They will be okay
She will be too
A lot of blaming
A lot hate, fear, and confusion
In the end though
Happiness will shine through

tree 2

Day 1,220 of Being a Mom

May 20th 2015
If you had told me three years ago that I would be a stay at home, I would say you’re crazy. There would be no way I would work so hard on my Master’s degree and give up on the Job I always wanted. No way!

But…
I did

I am a stay at home mom of two wonderful, full of energy, spunky boys, who have amazing personalities and keep me on my toes. They drive me crazy too.

I play with superheroes. I change diapers, and I get paid in hugs and kisses.
I have great days, and I have not so great days.
I could not handle it all. I could not handle a career and motherhood.
It was a very hard pill to swallow. It was hard to give up my one identity.
But…

I am okay.
I am surviving.

I know right now things have to be different from what I planned.
I am a stay at home mom.

I do not have my career right now, but I am also learning about myself. I am also watching my sons grow. I could not give that up. Because you do give up some things as a working mom. I am now realizing that as I watch “P” learn new things, and I cannot remember my oldest do those things. When I was working, I had to rely more on others. I had to stay strong while at work knowing my son’s caregiver was taking care of him when he was sick. I had to balance time to go to doctor appointments or school appointments. I lost a lot of sleep and patience. I could not shake the guilty feeling that I wasn’t always there. It was taking a toll on me. On my job. I found my mind wondering, and I was not devoting as much time to my work. The pressure and the stress was unbearable, and I felt like no one understood. I constantly had to learn how to balance life and work.

When “O” was born, I had no clue what I was doing. I was so uptight, and I had this image in my head of how this baby should be. How life should be. After three months, I went back to work, and I was exhausted. I struggled to balance it all. I sacrificed a little bit from work, from being a mother, from being me, from my marriage, and from my life. I never did find a balance. And then, I got pregnant again.

My emotions, stress level, and the pressure I was putting on myself was insane after I had “P”. When I went back to work, it was different. My perspective was different, and my priorities changed.

I had to make a decision.

I could not handle my job and these boys. I felt guilty when I was home, and I felt guilty when I was at work. I was not enjoying either.
I gave up my career. I had too. It wasn’t fair, and it was so hard to do. I just started that career path, and it became so hard so quickly. I could not have it all.

It is so hard to think about and honestly being at home is so hard. I miss my income, my adult interaction, being part of a team, having my own purpose or identity.

No one said it was easy, but no one ever tells you how hard it will be either

I compare a lot too. I see these moms who can work and their children seem perfect, and they do all kinds of activities. I also have no clue how a mother goes to the store with more than two or even more than one child. How? The other day I saw a mother who was pregnant walking around Target with her two toddlers. Everyone was so happy and shopping. How?
The truth is I look up to these women. All of them. I look at all the moms in life, and I take bits and pieces to model after.
Each day is a challenge that I try to overcome. Some days are easier than others. Some days I miss working so much and other days I am working so hard to teach my boys new ideas, kindness and love, that I don’t remember my past life.

It was a long, painful decision-making process but only I could make the decision. I did have the support but only I could really make the choice to change my life to realize I could not handle it all and to realize it was ok. To realize it is ok that I cannot handle both my boys in the store by myself without having a panic attack (I have only done it once). That it is also ok to compare but to realize those mothers also struggle and have bad days.
It is also ok that my career is on hold right now and that I am good at being a mommy and someday the next part of my career will happen.

It is now Day 1420 days
Oct 13, 2015
I have to add that I am now working part-time.

I had too.

for more than one reason.

My life is so different and I am also working in a completely different area then I ever thought I would. In this past year, my life has been flip upside down and stomped on, but more to come on that.

I am just grateful that my  husband and I have push through. I am just grateful that my boys are healthy and happy and that we, as a family, have stayed strong.
If you would have told me a year ago how this would all play out, I think I would run for the hills. I would think there is no way I could handle it all.

But…  I did…                         oliverFullSizeRender

Day 1,399 of being a mom

I went in to wake Oliver up for school this morning, but instead I laid with him. He curled up next to me, his head on my chest, arms around my waist. I took a deep breath in and relaxed. But it only took a few minutes for my mind to race.

What do I have to do at work?

Did I pack lunches?

When will my husband be home tonight?

How much longer could I lay here before we are late?

I then started thinking about how I am always with the boys but I am not really.

“Mommy look at this cool thing”

“Yeah cool honey” I answer without looking up from the dishes I am putting a way.

This is my routine. I am not engaging with my boys. I am worrying too much about work, lunches, chores, bills etc. I am running all the time. And when I do try to relax and take a moment, my mind does not allow me. I try to count to ten. I try to breath but relaxing is not coming easy. Oh how I want to play with my boys. Oh how I want to just lay down and read with them or watch a movie or talk with them.Or just engage with them.  I am going and worrying and thinking so much. I am also yelling and disciplining and cleaning after.

I just need to relax.

You know those articles that tell you to just stop and enjoy the little things, that kids grow up too quickly. Yeah. They are true. Relax. Take it in. Some stuff can wait…..

I am trying…

Day 1,159 of Being a Mom – a perfect parent

So I am that person who loves to do research and I Google EVERYTHING. So it is only natural that when I became a mother, I researched everything that has to do with babies and children and “how to be a mom”. I am the first to see a post and think, yes that is me or that is a good idea. I even run to my husband and say something like “I read today that we should try this with Oman (our oldest) when he does this…” (This drives him nuts sometimes). I love to research and try everything. If it wasn’t for Pinterest of Google, I am not sure what I would do. By researching everything, I try so hard to be a perfect mother and wife. What does that mean exactly? Well, I am not sure, but I have researched it. The other day I read the following post and I even shared it.

“Mommy will you lay with me?” – when your children want you to lie down with them at night November 18, 2014 By Becky (Your Modern Family) http://www.yourmodernfamily.com/mommy-will-lay/

Nothing against Becky and I TOTALLY understand what her intention are…But thanks for making me feel guilty. In fact I feel guilty a lot from what I read; No Yelling articles, No T.V. articles, How To Love Your Husband So He Doesn’t Leave You articles, What You Should Be Going In Your Marriage articles, How to be….articles. Yes, I can choose not to read these. Anyway I have a confession. Besides me doing all my reading and research, I don’t know what I am doing some days.

I lose my control. I feel guilty and I cry. Some days I cry more than my children. But I try to be a perfect mom and perfect wife. Froggy (my youngest) is going through a phase where mom and dad can’t be out of sight. This morning he laid on my bathroom floor screaming just so I could take a quick shower. Sorry, kiddo mommy was smelling a bit ripe.

I don’t think you will find that technique in any book or article. I try so hard to establish a loving and learning household. But… We watch TV and we yell and sometimes I would like to look at Facebook or Pinterest than read the same book for the 5th time. I want to sleep just ten minutes longer, even though I am needed (there is a really good post about being needed (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-morton/mommy-somebody-needs-you_b_4900686.html)

And yes because of those articles I feel guilty. But… We are only human. I am trying and that is all I ask from my boys and my husband. We do have days full of arts and crafts and ABCs and 123s. And days full of imaginary play, forts and all. But on a Saturday, when I have worked so hard all week and my husband has too. We might have TV day. This doesn’t mean we don’t read books or we don’t play outside. Oh and we use the iPad. In fact, Oman loves it and we play games together, but he also plays it by himself. We also tell him it is okay to play by himself. This does not mean we don’t play with him though.

Is this all really wrong? I am trying to make my boys perfect little boys and then perfect little men and then perfect men.

Who knows what that means?

I really want my boys to grow up and be happy. I don’t want them to stress about anything (might be a high expectation). I want them to be kind and to listen and to communicate well. I want them to dream big and to just try to be all they can be. I want them to know they are loved and they can come to mom and dad for anything. I want my 3-year-old to be proud of himself, even if he refuses to go number 2 on the potty. I want him to know that he is so smart and creative. He can do anything, as long as he tries, but if he can’t do something, I want him to know he can ask for help. I want my husband to know he is not alone and we are a team. All we need to do is try to be a perfect parent team. Yes, we will fight and disagree, but we are doing it all together.

I want all moms (and dads) to know that being the perfect parent is the parent that tries. Just tell yourself every morning that all you have to do is try and it might all work out and be perfect, or it might not. Just try to be a mom (or dad). Just try to be a wife (or husband). Just try to also balance time for yourself too.

No one is perfect, but you can try to be.

The Beginning of…

cropped-writing-c.jpg

So I have entered this world….of blogging.

Commuter Perspective is a creative writing blog, for me to just simply be creative and share my thoughts.

I have been writing my whole life. I always had a diary and re-reading some of those entries from when I was 8 years old, crack me up.

It started when I was in 3rd grade. My teacher was Mrs Marston and it was the best year, so good I still remember it after 21 years. I was introduced to creative writing and wrote some silly stories like “Bubblegumland”, and “A Toucan Goes to Hollywood”. From that day I knew I would write a book, of some kind. I think a blog is a good start. Pictures of these amazing pieces coming soon.

ENJOY and Keep Stayin’ True