Day 1,220 of Being a Mom

May 20th 2015
If you had told me three years ago that I would be a stay at home, I would say you’re crazy. There would be no way I would work so hard on my Master’s degree and give up on the Job I always wanted. No way!

But…
I did

I am a stay at home mom of two wonderful, full of energy, spunky boys, who have amazing personalities and keep me on my toes. They drive me crazy too.

I play with superheroes. I change diapers, and I get paid in hugs and kisses.
I have great days, and I have not so great days.
I could not handle it all. I could not handle a career and motherhood.
It was a very hard pill to swallow. It was hard to give up my one identity.
But…

I am okay.
I am surviving.

I know right now things have to be different from what I planned.
I am a stay at home mom.

I do not have my career right now, but I am also learning about myself. I am also watching my sons grow. I could not give that up. Because you do give up some things as a working mom. I am now realizing that as I watch “P” learn new things, and I cannot remember my oldest do those things. When I was working, I had to rely more on others. I had to stay strong while at work knowing my son’s caregiver was taking care of him when he was sick. I had to balance time to go to doctor appointments or school appointments. I lost a lot of sleep and patience. I could not shake the guilty feeling that I wasn’t always there. It was taking a toll on me. On my job. I found my mind wondering, and I was not devoting as much time to my work. The pressure and the stress was unbearable, and I felt like no one understood. I constantly had to learn how to balance life and work.

When “O” was born, I had no clue what I was doing. I was so uptight, and I had this image in my head of how this baby should be. How life should be. After three months, I went back to work, and I was exhausted. I struggled to balance it all. I sacrificed a little bit from work, from being a mother, from being me, from my marriage, and from my life. I never did find a balance. And then, I got pregnant again.

My emotions, stress level, and the pressure I was putting on myself was insane after I had “P”. When I went back to work, it was different. My perspective was different, and my priorities changed.

I had to make a decision.

I could not handle my job and these boys. I felt guilty when I was home, and I felt guilty when I was at work. I was not enjoying either.
I gave up my career. I had too. It wasn’t fair, and it was so hard to do. I just started that career path, and it became so hard so quickly. I could not have it all.

It is so hard to think about and honestly being at home is so hard. I miss my income, my adult interaction, being part of a team, having my own purpose or identity.

No one said it was easy, but no one ever tells you how hard it will be either

I compare a lot too. I see these moms who can work and their children seem perfect, and they do all kinds of activities. I also have no clue how a mother goes to the store with more than two or even more than one child. How? The other day I saw a mother who was pregnant walking around Target with her two toddlers. Everyone was so happy and shopping. How?
The truth is I look up to these women. All of them. I look at all the moms in life, and I take bits and pieces to model after.
Each day is a challenge that I try to overcome. Some days are easier than others. Some days I miss working so much and other days I am working so hard to teach my boys new ideas, kindness and love, that I don’t remember my past life.

It was a long, painful decision-making process but only I could make the decision. I did have the support but only I could really make the choice to change my life to realize I could not handle it all and to realize it was ok. To realize it is ok that I cannot handle both my boys in the store by myself without having a panic attack (I have only done it once). That it is also ok to compare but to realize those mothers also struggle and have bad days.
It is also ok that my career is on hold right now and that I am good at being a mommy and someday the next part of my career will happen.

It is now Day 1420 days
Oct 13, 2015
I have to add that I am now working part-time.

I had too.

for more than one reason.

My life is so different and I am also working in a completely different area then I ever thought I would. In this past year, my life has been flip upside down and stomped on, but more to come on that.

I am just grateful that my  husband and I have push through. I am just grateful that my boys are healthy and happy and that we, as a family, have stayed strong.
If you would have told me a year ago how this would all play out, I think I would run for the hills. I would think there is no way I could handle it all.

But…  I did…                         oliverFullSizeRender