Day 2,277 of Being a Mom: Our Jobs

Our job as parents is to raise kind, independent, smart, caring, responsible, confident (the positive adjectives can go on) children. We begin teaching our child the first time we make eye contact, the first time we touch them. We are teaching them how to respond, how to react, how to view things, how to talk and even how to feel.  Almost any decision we make can impact them. As parents, we have the most important job in the world. It is a huge responsibility and one that gives me anxiety. I can’t believe how much influence I can have. They do not teach that in any parenting books, and no one warns you of the weight you will begin to carry once you become a parent.

It is 6:30 the alarm is going off I glance at my phone and forcing my brain not to think about the snooze button. I glance again. 6:30!!!! Crap! That is the time I get the boys up. What happened to my alarm that was set to go off a half hour earlier? I get dressed in a whirlwind of panic, and I instantly start barking orders as I go up stairs; “Get up,” “Get dressed,” “Brush your teeth,” “I expect this…:.

There are moans and groans, and there is yelling. Lots of yelling. “I asked you to get up. We are late; you need to listen”. The barking is nonstop. My oldest is starting to tune me out. I lecture about some nonsense about how I get it, I am late, but they need to listen, and they need to know better and blah blah blah. Maybe I tuned myself out. What is going on!?

Somehow we made it to school, and I get the boys settled in their classroom.I walk out to my car, and I cry. The tears just flow down my cheeks.

I was late. I am the one who overslept. I need to take responsibility for my actions. They don’t know. They don’t understand what being late really means. Yes, I can teach them but as I am running late; that is not the time. I can’t stop the tears and the feelings of being a bad parent. This is not how I wanted their day to start. This is not how I want their day to continue. They were tired, and so was I. Maybe they were trying so hard to get ready but like me, they just could not get moving.

I am already late. I look in my rearview mirror. I wipe my tears and decide to walk back into the school and act like I forgot something (well I did). I went to the youngest first “Mommy forgot to tell you I love you and you will have a good day.”

The response:

“I love you too mommy. You have a good day.”


My oldest, he was playing as I walked into his room. He first glanced at me with confuse and then “mommy are you okay?” Was he asking about me? Why? I knelt down to his level “Mommy forgot to slow down, and I forgot to tell you that I love you and you will have a great day.” His response as a 6 y/o who was around his friends and who wanted to play was a bashful quick kiss on my cheek, but I didn’t let him walk away. I stopped him and gave him a big hug, and I needed him to know today would okay. In that hug, I could tell he wanted to make sure I was going to be okay too. In that hug I had to reassure him that bad days do not need to last all day.

We forget about our important jobs sometimes but what is as important is that we take responsibility of our actions and understand what influences we have on others. We just want what is best for our kids and its okay to have bad days but how we respond to those bad days is very important. We have little eyes watching and little ears listening and little hearts that need to feel. Their brains are trying to comprehend the biggest ideas. We need to guide them and reassure them that bad days are okay but today can still be a good day.  ready to go


Olive Juice

When death enters, positive things are said
We all try to look to the future for better times
as we look at the past for memories

When you lose a parent you seem half complete
This person who was part of making you, you
is now gone
Now you need to assume what they would say or do

To most, today is just a day
And after seven years, it takes me looking at the date
to bring the memories and emotions to the surface
Every year I ll look for a picture to display
and every year I ll realize that is all I have
Pictures that show another year has come and gone
and the memories are farther into the past

That day, seven years ago, taught me so much

I want to call
I wish you would answer
I need your help
I have a ton of questions…. about my house, about life
even my mom and sister
I want your advice; your approval
I want to just hear your voice
I want to tell you what my children did today
I want to see you react
I think about you often
I imagine the looks you would give; especially with your eyes
the shaking of your head in disbelief
I smile when my children ask about you
I see you in many things but especially them
I wonder if they will be like you
there is already interests in cars
I hope you realize the impact you had on others
and the impact you continue to have on me
I need to know you are proud

The itch that needs scratched

The uncontrollable scratching

just spots

The sleepless nights

The fuzzy haze in the day

The nausea

The chatter in my head

The smell of lotions, oils, creams

The fake smiles

The lost of hope,

The diminished self-esteem

From what we have been told I had a reaction from getting strep and for over a month, this has been my unfortunately daily routine. One day specifically. I spent the whole day in bed asleep or half-asleep and when I was not in bed, I was cranky. Anything could set me off. I missed my family that day and I was so upset because they seemed to be going about their day. I was stuck in my head, a dark place. I had this burning anger inside me and all I wanted to do was scream to release all the tension. Instead, I slept. Anyone who knows me, knows I love my bed but I cannot spend all day in it.

For two days after that, I questioned everything. My thoughts were like those creepy shots in a scary movie, the ones when the anticipation and anxiety builds right before something jumps out. Those days were dark and to be honest unfair. My emotions were paralyzed in one mood or another. My husband tried to understand and he tried to make me feel better. I tried to focus on work, on the kids, but my attention was always on the itching and then the burning and pain.

After I had my moment (I think everyone deserves to have one), I realized I had a choice. I took about 5 minutes and I looked at myself in the mirror. I examined every spot on my skin. MY SKIN that was now unrecognizable. I cried as I looked. My fair colored freckle-speckled skin was now covered with red scaly bumps or patches that burned. As upset as I was, I examined everything from my scalp to my toes. I rubbed the skin and realized how much pain these spots were causing, not just physically but mentally. I realized I had to accept what was going on, unfortunately we still do not know. The doctor says psoriasis – I‘ve had flare-ups my whole life but lately each one has been worse than the last and this time my mind was affected. For any of you not familiar with what Psoriasis is: “[It is] a common skin condition that speeds up the life cycle of skin cells. It causes cells to build up rapidly on the surface of the skin. The extra skin cells form scales and red patches that are itchy and sometimes painful. Psoriasis is a chronic disease that often comes and goes” (psoriasis). Psoriasis is actually a pretty word when written and fancy with its silent “P”. Any way I am familiar with Psoriasis and I have tried very hard my whole life to stay health.

Now I have future appointments to find out more, which causes me more anxiety because I do not do doctors and I prefer to try to power through. You can’t do that with an illness like Psoriasis. As I continue to accept the fact that I need the help of doctors, I am also accepting what we know for now and I am working on treating it and being comfortable. I have to be confident that I can handle this and that I will get better. That I can function and my spots are just spots. I have to trust that others will not judge me and that my husband still see me as his beautiful wife and that my children understand that mommy is just a polka-dotted princess. I have to also be confident enough to ask for help when I need it and I cannot fake a smile and to know that it is ok to have few bad moments.

Today almost two months in and I have been having more good days then bad. My energy is coming back and my mind is clear. I am starting to feel like my old positive self again. The dark creepy days are gone and they have not tried to jump up. I am trying to stay positive and just go with the flow of whatever my skin is doing. I have my lotions, my oils, my creams. I take baths and I have even started to mediate and take up my yoga practice again. All to level myself out. I am finding the me who has spots. Yes, I wish they were gone. That thought enters my mind every day. But currently there is nothing I can do. All I can do is focus on what I can control. My attitude and my self.

Day 2,043 of Being a Mom



June 2017

I worked all day. At a job that pays our bills and is the next stepping stone on my path to where ever. I was so excited to take my boys to the store. I had a plan. We were going to eat there and get our new clothes and then and only then as long as they were good, we were going to get a new toy. I haven’t bought them a new toy in a while and I was so excited.

Eating went ok. “P” fought us on not eating his pizza and getting upset about not getting any pretzel but he is a toddler. We made it to the toy aisle and both boys of course wanted the most expensive item. I had to say no quite a few times. I also had to remind “O” that they were only getting one toy. I wanted them to be happy that we were doing something different and that we were actually getting a new toy. That one toy would be enough.

After a few tears, no I should say tantrums and after several threats of not getting anything, “O” decided which toy to get. “P” however was indecisive and I eventually had to pick for him. The toy I picked was the one in his hand and was not the one he wanted after all.

After all that, my good deed went unnoticed. I felt worse than before. I told myself we will not be going to store again. My surprise for them did not go well.

Once we got home the poor behavior continued. At least from my eyes. I felt like in one hour it was nothing but yelling or battling with a 2 y/o and 5 y/o. That excitement I had a few hours earlier now gone. Now frustration, anger, stress, and confusion overwhelmed me. What am I doing as a mom? Going to the store was a difference in our evening routine. However, most nights are still exhausting. I get the boys from school, we then get home and I tell them to go play while I make dinner and during that time the battle starts. They fight. “P” is whining about having a snack and “O” wants to ask a billion questions. My mind is half listening to them, half cooking dinner, half unwinding from work, half thinking want am I going to do when the boys go to bed. Do the boys need a bath? I really need to fold laundry. I really need to organize our closet. I wonder how the weather will be this weekend, and what we can do this weekend.

I think you get the point… 🙂

Self doubt about parenting takes over now. I don’t play enough, my mind is constantly wondering. I am selfish in the sense that I rather watch a stupid video on Facebook instead of read a book to my son. I try to figure out how I can do all the things for me first and then my boys. Do I put them first…enough? I am not that kind of mom. Is that okay?  I plan things to do. As I did with the failed trip to the store. I think of ways I want my boys to get involved with other things. I make sure they are dressed and bathed and teeth brushed. I make sure they have a great school and that they are health. I do not get on the floor with them I do not run around. I skip reading a book before bed sometimes and I choose to just tuck the boys in and not sing to them because I am exhausted. I lose sleep worrying because my boys are acting out. I feel guilty because I chose to not be with their dad and have a separate life with them because I felt it was better for all of us. I read articles on how to be a relax parent, how to deal with whining and sibling rivals. I try to do yoga to get myself to relax. I tell myself its okay to focus on myself sometimes because if I am happy then I can work and be there for my boys in a better way.  I feel guilty for all the things I do and I don’t do. I tell myself I will do better the next day. That next day has come and gone.

That night as I tucked “O” in and yes was planning to skip singing a song, he looked at me and said “mommy I will be better tomorrow for you”. My heart sank, my eyes just stared. I  couldn’t breath. I did not know what to say,

All the guilt, all the pressure, all the self-doubt bubbled over. Tears fell from my cheeks.

When I finaly could speak I laid with him, ” “O” you are amazing, mom worries and that makes her cranky sometimes. Mommy is also working on how to do things and I just want you to be happy and appreciate what you have and what you get. I love doing things for you and with you. His little statement made me realize that yes this is the hardest job, being a parent. It made me realize though that I can do it and I will figure it. That I am learning and I need to also teach. It is a lot but I can be there for my boys but they can also be there for me. To teach me.

That night I sang to both my boys.

Now I stop and breath before bedtime and I adjust me. These little humans just need their momma to stop and relax and want her to give a few minutes of calmness. Once I think about it, what they need daily is not much. I tend to make it a bigger deal.

Day 1,159 of Being a Mom: a perfect parent

January 2015

So I am that person who loves to do research and I Google EVERYTHING. So it is only natural that when I became a mother, I researched everything that has to do with babies and children and “how to be a mom”. I am the first to see a post and think, yes that is me or that is a good idea. I have to share it with everyone. If it wasn’t for Pinterest of Google, I am not sure what I would do. By researching everything, I try so hard to be a perfect mother. What does that mean exactly? Well, I am not sure, but I have researched it.

The other day I read the following post and I even shared it.

“Mommy will you lay with me?” – when your children want you to lie down with them at night November 18, 2014 By Becky (Your Modern Family)

Nothing against Becky and I TOTALLY understand what her intentions are…But thanks for making me feel guilty. In fact I feel guilty a lot from what I read; No Yelling articles, No T.V. articles, How To Love…,How to Live…, How to be….articles. Yes, I can choose not to read these.

Anyway I have a confession. Besides me doing all my reading and research, I don’t know what I am doing some days.

I lose my control. I feel guilty and I cry. Some days I cry more than my children. But I try to be a perfect mom. P  is going through a phase where mom can’t be out of sight. This morning he laid on my bathroom floor screaming just so I could take a quick shower. Sorry, kiddo mommy was smelling a bit ripe.

I don’t think you will find that technique in any book or article. I try so hard to establish a loving and learning household. But… We watch TV and we yell and sometimes I would like to look at Facebook or Pinterest than read the same book for the 5th time. I want to sleep just ten minutes longer, even though I am needed (there is a really good post about being needed (

And yes because of those articles I feel guilty. But… We are only human. I am trying and that is all I ask from my boys. We do have days full of arts and crafts and ABCs and 123s. And days full of imaginary play, forts and all. But on a Saturday, when I have worked so hard all week, we might have a TV day. This doesn’t mean we don’t read books or we don’t play outside. Oh and we use the iPad. In fact, O loves it and we play games together, but he also plays it by himself. I also tell him it is okay to play by himself. This does not mean I don’t play with him though.

Is this all really wrong? I am trying to make my boys perfect little boys and then perfect little men and then perfect men.

Who knows what that means?

I really want my boys to grow up and be happy. I don’t want them to stress about anything (might be a high expectation). I want them to be kind and to listen and to communicate well. I want them to dream big and to just try to be all they can be. I want them to know they are loved and they can come to mommy for anything. I want my 3-year-old to be proud of himself, even if he refuses to go number 2 on the potty. I want him to know that he is so smart and creative. He can do anything, as long as he tries, but if he can’t do something, I want him to know he can ask for help.

I want all moms (and dads) to know that being the perfect parent is the parent that tries. Just tell yourself every morning that all you have to do is try and it might all work out and be perfect, or it might not. Just try to be a mom (or dad). Try to also balance time for yourself too.

No one is perfect, but you can try to be.

Day 1,313 of Being a Mom


June 2015

I have rushed this experience of being a mom. I have rushed the hours and the days. I wished for nap time. I count the minutes when breast-feeding or putting my boys to bed. Why? My mind is running at full speed. Everything and everything is playing itself out as I give baths or as I sing lullabies. I am not all there with anything and I cannot remember the last time I was fully engaged with something or finished something. I am still on day 10 of a 30 day ab challenge that I started 28 days ago. I promise myself all the time that I will follow through on things and finish things. I will be more engaged with things. I will try harder. Each day I tell myself to try harder. I have to take it a day at a time. When I become a mother it was hard at the very beginning.

I became a mother on November 23 2011. It changed me forever. Yes, all moms say that. But it is true. Your life will never be the same once you are a mom. You will love it but you will also hate it (strong words I know), and I think moms, over anyone else, think about the what-ifs. In my opinion though, it is OK to have these thoughts, It makes you appreciate and even see things from different perspectives. You will drive yourself crazy but thinking about all of it, what-ifs and all, is important. As a mom there is love but there is fear and guilty. Patience comes in time too (this concept I work on EVERY day).

When I had my first son, I was so sick afterwards. I wasn’t just tired. I wasn’t just scared. I was sick. They say it was my epidural, a slight complication. All I know is I missed him being born. I mean I was there in the room. I did the work. I remember thinking to myself how I want to hold him and kiss him once he entered this world. I wanted to take it all in.

But I didn’t. I was sick. I just laid there. As someone place him on my chest, I remember how big his hands and feet seemed to be. I barely held him. Everyone said he was perfect. I held him briefly. But I didn’t kiss him or smell him or take him all in. I laid there.
I don’t remember them taking him to clean him or weigh him or do all the test. I don’t remember who held him first or who said what to me.

When it was time to move to my next room I passed out. I don’t remember how we got to the next room and I barely remember the night. The whole experience was not how I planned. I slept through visitors. I was so frustrated with breastfeeding and I felt so alone. Was I postpartum? No I was just so sick. The experience took such a toll on me. My whole body ached. My brain was gone and all I wanted to do was sleep. All I wanted to do was be pregnant again  and change the experience.

It took longer than I had planned but I finally just slowed down and looked at him. I really looked at him. I had this baby. I had my son. He laid on the Boppy sleeping. Scrunching his nose. Sleeping. Wrapped tightly in a blanket. My fears where gone. Yes I had no clue how to take care of this baby but I was not fearful. I was not scared. I was just lost in the moment for the first time. I finally got to take him in. He smelled so good. His skin so soft and I just took it one minute at a time. He had so much hair and yes, his hands and feet were big but they were perfect along with everything else. He was peaceful. He was so content for this one moment and he wanted me.

I felt bad though that I was not there for him during his first hours of life. I was so sick and out of it. I was not there as a mom or even a person. It was as though my brain and soul left. And now as I just relaxed and watch my baby breath and sleep and crunch his nose, I cried. How on earth could I have not been there in those first moments? I promised him right there that I would be present and in the moment. That his mommy will try so hard to always be there for him and that everything will be okay. That we will help each other. That there will be good moments and bad but we will take it all in together.

It has been a bumpy road but I have learned so much about myself all because of my son. I have realized how strong I am and I also have learned my limits. This little man of mine has no clue what he has done.

Day 1,480 of Being a Mom

December, 2015
Follow up from Day 1,220

I had to for more than one reason.
I am now working part-time.

My life is so different and I am also working in a completely different area then I ever thought I would. In this past year, my life has been flip upside down and stomped on, but more to come on that.
I am just grateful that my boys are healthy and happy.
If you would have told me a year ago how this would all play out, I think I would run for the hills. I would think there is no way I could handle it all.

But I did…

As life has challenged me before I am realizing how strong I really am.